Showering...

tbhanson:

Women

1. Carefully undress putting clothes neatly into the dirty washing hamper.
2. See how long you can look at your naked body without thinking ‘God, I’m hideous!’. Average of 8 seconds.
3. Check every square inch of skin for spots/blemishes/parasites.
4. Sigh in either elation or disappointment at pertness/size of breasts.
5. Squeeze breasts together to see if it makes them look bigger.
6. Let hair down and check for knots, even though you’re about to wash it a billion times and get it all tangled up again.
7. Start shower running.
8. Sit on the toilet and urinate whilst waiting for shower to warm up.
9. Wipe.
10. Lay out towels in specific order unknown to anyone but yourself.
11. Apply before-shower cream.
12. Step into the shower and spend 10 minutes impersonating the woman that you see on the Dove adverts.
13. Sing badly forgetting that the natural acoustics of confined space plus tiles equals loud and warbally, allowing everyone in a 100 metre radius listen in.
14. Wash hair with some God-forsakenly expensive shampoo made with real ylang-ylang (who the fuck actually knows what that is?) by endangered raccoons in the Canary Islands.
15. Condition hair with the exact same substance in that comes in a slightly different bottle.
16. Go scouting for renegade hairs and pluck/shave/wax every offender.
17. If waxing, scream really loudly. If plucking, pull your lips over your gums and breath in making a thhhsssshhshhs sound.
18. Look over shoulder at bum. Sigh again.
19. Think of spouses/boyfriend’s special request and decide to meet him half way.
20. Trim pubic hair.
21. Take shower head off stand to wash everything down the drain.
22. Treat every follicle with more special gel.
23. Apply during-shower cream.
24. Wash off soapy suds.
25. Repeat steps 14, 15 and 16.
26. If satisfied after step 25c, turn the shower off, tie hair up into a knot, and step out onto 6 inch thick bath mat.
27. Drip for a while.
28. Towel off thoroughly and put towel on head in turban-like fashion.
29. Apply after-shower cream.
30. Exfoliate.
31. Extraexfoliate.
32. Clean bathroom to sparkling.
33. Get dressed and continue your day.

Men

1. Get naked anywhere and chuck clothes in general direction of hamper.
2. Get straight into shower.
3. Shout FUCK when you realise that it’s yet to warm up.
4. Wash hair with… uh… something.
5. Make shampoo mohawk.
6. Wash rest of body with same something, paying special attention to your genitals. Generally around half the time you’re in there.
7. Give losing weight a passing thought.
8. Turn shower off.
9. Step out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
10. Run towel over body and quickly ruffle hair.
11. Walk out of bathroom completely naked leaving it covered in water and towels.\

Hypotheses: Women are exactly 3 times as complicated as men

I didn’t even plan that. Seriously.

Toodles xx